The. Whole. 30.

Miss Vickies Look at that beautiful incarnation. I can taste the chips just by looking at them. I can feel the way they would crunch so loud I could annoy people trying to watch T.V. I miss it. The salt. The vinegar.  All of it.

‘But Salt, they’re just chips. What the fuck are you on about? Go buy some and shut up.’

I would love to reader. I really, really would. Unfortunately I cannot because I’m an idiot.

A word to the wise. If you have a roommate, or a friend (although no true friend would ever suggest such a sick form of torture), or you’re one of those guys who does whatever his girlfriend says, if they suggest doing the ‘Whole 30’, don’t. No matter the cost. Blowjobs aren’t worth 30 days of suffering.

As we now know, Squire is just getting started in the land of the corporate fat-cat. Over the last couple of years he has done his best to embrace the word ‘fat’. I think it’s fair to say the only thing that has grown faster than his bank account is his beer gut. This beer gut has apparently become a burden we both must carry. Why? Because I am a good friend.

When Squire suggested we do the ‘Whole 30’ so we could get in shape I thought ‘Good on Squire, he’s recognized a problem and is doing something about it’. I thought it would be nice to do it with him. To support him. To be a good friend. It’s only 30 days it can’t be that hard. Wrong. Very Wrong.

The ‘Whole 30’ brands itself as a program of ‘tough love’. That’s like calling Donald Trump ‘honest’. Here are the rules for the Whole 30:

  1. Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial…..Go ahead. Think about what that excludes.
  2. Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking…..Sober March Madness is not best March Madness.
  3. Do not eat grains…..quinoa? Nope.
  4. Do not eat legumes…..I’m 28, I had no idea what legumes were. I thought beans would be a life saver throughout this thing. Nope.
  5. Do not eat dairy….bye bye yogurt.
  6. Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites……this one is obvious and pretty easy.
  7. Do not try re-created baked goods, junk foods, or treats with “approved” ingredients…..good bye Miss Vickies, you wonderful, magnificent delicious chip.
  8. You are not allowed to step on the scale or take any body measurements for the duration of the program……. I did. I’m about 5’8 and before this I was in pretty decent shape. Far from anything anyone could wash clothes on but I worked out 5 times week. Why? So I could eat shit like Miss Vickies and have some Jack Daniels and still look decent. I lost 5 pounds in 8 days.

At this point, I don’t know what day we’re on. It doesn’t matter anymore. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Only darkness.

I eat eggs, steak, salad, and homemade burgers. Smoothies consist of bananas, almonds, frozen fruit, ice and almond milk. The worst part is the cravings. You go through a phase where you can taste things. I was walking around on a Tuesday and I could swear I had a rum and coke in my mouth. It was kind of amazing but also awful. I’m all for being in shape. I’m all for eating healthy. But good fucking god. There’s no reason to go from learning how to walk  one day to lining up against Von Miller in the next. It’s violent, bloody torture.

And I can’t quit. I would never hear the end of it from Squire. Which would be absolutely worse than however many days are left.

So here’s to you Squire and your ever shrinking belly. I hope it’s worth all this. You fuck.

Love Salt.